Embarking on a 21-day silent Vipassana retreat was one of the most profound experiences of my life. It wasn’t just about meditation—it was an intense, transformative dive into understanding the mind, body, and what lies beneath the layers of thought and emotion. Here’s what I learned from those three weeks of silence and stillness.
In a way I recognize with this practice I was teaching my body and nervous system a whole new way of being. Calm, present and open like never before.
Returning to the Senses Like a Child
Disclaimer: All what I say here can easily be judged by our mind, or very hard to understand if not experienced yourself, that’s how our mind works. I am always careful with my words and I think words are not sufficient to express this kind of experiencies. I will still try because I think many times these things get explained very unclear or with allot of spiritual woo woo words.
Be open, be curious, be inspired.
In the silence of the retreat, I experienced moments where my awareness felt as open and unfiltered as a child’s. It was like being one with the senses—every sound, smell, or sensation vivid and alive. This deep presence wasn’t something I was “achieving” but rather an undoing of the mental filters that typically distort our experience of life. I remember this feeling, it’s natural, it’s familiar, sometimes I had this when doing intense sports, sex, with the first time I took MDMA, when I was very very into something etc. It’s not something new, it’s something natural.
The Buddha’s Map: Seeing Through the Illusion of Mind
The teachings of the Buddha, or the Dhamma, offer a map for navigating the mind and seeing through its illusions. This map provides techniques, like Vipassana, to observe the constant flow of sensations and thoughts. By practicing this, I could see how the mind clings to desires, resists discomfort, and creates identification.
Ignorance, as the Buddha describes it, isn’t stupidity—it’s the unconscious avoidance of reality. I witnessed this firsthand: how I would repress feelings, escape into thoughts, or fearfully avoid sensations, thinking they might overwhelm or even “kill” me. Recognizing these patterns felt like shining a light on the mechanisms of my suffering.
Undoing, Not Doing
One of the paradoxes I faced was realizing there’s no real “practice” in Vipassana. It’s not about doing but undoing. It’s about simply being: sitting still, not engaging with thoughts, fantasies, or the urge to escape. And yet, that simplicity is one of the hardest things to do.
Just being requires facing the discomfort we usually avoid—both physically and emotionally. The act of sitting still, without distraction, revealed how much I was habitually running from the present moment.
The Five Hindrances
During the retreat, the Buddha’s teachings on the Five Hindrances became very real to me. These mental obstacles—desire, aversion, restlessness, sloth, and doubt—manifested in ways I hadn’t fully recognized before. Whether it was impatience with the process or self-doubt about my ability to meditate, these hindrances were like clouds obscuring the clarity I was seeking.
The Body Keeps the Score
The retreat brought up intense somatic releases—yawning, trembling, and energetic surges. Sometimes I lost complete consciousness, as if the body was working through deeply held tensions. This was a testament to how much our physical body holds onto unprocessed emotions and energy.
Simply sitting still became a gateway to release this stored energy, layer by layer. These moments felt like the body was healing itself, undoing years of contraction and repression.
The Role of the Teacher
Having a teacher like Antony Markwell was invaluable. His presence and guidance instilled a deep trust in the process, especially during moments of doubt or confusion. Doubt is one of the Five Hindrances, and his clarity helped me let it go and continue the practice with confidence.
The Dhamma: A Natural, Intuitive Truth
As I delved deeper into the practice, it struck me how natural and intuitive the Dhamma is. It didn’t feel like learning something new but remembering something fundamental—like returning to the innocence and openness of childhood. This wasn’t just a philosophical insight; it was a felt experience. I often thought, Ah, this is how I was when I was a child.
Awareness Brings Freedom
By observing the body and mind in such a focused way, I gained an incredible sense of freedom. I could see the patterns of my false self—the habits of thought and emotion that had shaped my identity. And I began to see how unnecessary these patterns were.
This awareness isn’t about controlling the mind but stepping back from identification with it. Believing our thoughts to be true is the root of suffering. Vipassana showed me that there’s a way out—through awareness and presence.
Equanimity
Key here is: the source of our habitual thinking is the lack of equanimity, which blocks our connection to the true Self, creativity, and flow. I think many people are searching for happiness, but actually what they want is equanimity.
Happiness is fleeting, often tied to external circumstances or temporary pleasures. Equanimity, however, is a state of inner balance and peace that remains steady regardless of what life throws at us, to give it a word you could say joy, but you need to experience and feel it yourself… It is the ability to experience joy without clinging and to endure pain without resistance.
When we lack equanimity, we are caught in the restless loops of thought—seeking control, avoiding discomfort, or chasing after fleeting highs. This habitual thinking disconnects us from the stillness and presence where authenticity and inspiration reside. It blocks the natural flow of creativity and the connection to our true self.
True equanimity arises when we stop chasing after highs or avoiding lows as thoughts and instead embrace the full spectrum of life with openness and acceptance. It’s not about denying emotions or becoming detached but learning to hold them with grace, allowing them to flow without losing our center.
Equanimity opens the door to flow, allowing us to move beyond the mind’s noise and touch the deeper layers of our being. It’s in this space that creativity flourishes, where ideas emerge effortlessly, and where we feel a genuine connection to ourselves and the world around us.
By cultivating equanimity, we unblock the pathways to our true essence, letting creativity, flow, and presence return naturally. It is a calm, grounded presence that enables us to respond rather than react—a freedom that allows us to be fully alive, rooted in something unshakable within ourselves.
The Schedule: Structure for Transformation
The retreat schedule was rigorous but essential for the depth of the practice. Days began at 4:30 AM and ended at 9 PM, with hours of sitting meditation interspersed with walking meditation and teaching sessions. This structure created the perfect container for deep exploration, though it was by no means easy.
Is This for Everyone?
I’ve realized this kind of practice isn’t for everyone. It requires either a deep curiosity about the nature of the self or a significant amount of pain and suffering to drive the desire for understanding. For me, it was curiosity that brought me there, but over time, I could clearly see some of the roots of my suffering as well.
This practice isn’t about achieving or fixing anything—it’s about unlearning, undoing, and simply being. For those willing to take that journey, the rewards are profound: freedom, presence, and a deeper connection to life itself.
Closing Thoughts
Spending 21 days in silence was one of the most transformative experiences of my life. It deepened my awareness of the body, mind, and the underlying patterns that shape our existence.
While this path may not be for everyone, I believe its lessons are universal. At its core, Vipassana is about returning to the natural state of being, free from the illusions of the mind. It’s about reconnecting with the simplicity and openness we had as children and rediscovering the freedom that has always been within us.
If you’re curious or feel drawn to explore the depths of your being, I can only say: take the leap. You may just uncover a truth that changes everything.
This is were I did the 21 day course: https://indriyaretreat.org/