When people think of depression, they often imagine sadness, crying, or someone struggling to get out of bed. But for many men, depression doesn’t look like that. Instead, it can show up as workaholism, emotional withdrawal, avoidance, anger, or addictive behaviors. It took me years to recognize this in myself, and I see many men around me unknowingly caught in the same pattern.
Depression Doesn’t Always Look Like Depression
Terrence Real, in his book I Don’t Want to Talk About It, describes how male depression often goes unrecognized because men are conditioned from childhood to suppress vulnerability. While some experience overt depression (feeling hopeless, withdrawn, and numb), others develop covert depression, where the symptoms are hidden beneath socially acceptable behaviors like overworking, chasing success, or numbing emotions with distractions.
For me, depression showed up as workaholism and emotional detachment. I threw myself into productivity, achieving goals, and constantly improving myself—anything to avoid sitting with my emotions. It felt like I was moving forward, but in reality, I was running away. The more I worked, the less I had to acknowledge the fear, anxiety, and sadness underneath.
The Challenge of Speaking About It
For many men, talking about this experience is extremely hard. Thoughts like I am weak, men don’t feel, or how do I even do that? often arise. And society reinforces this struggle—when men start to open up, they are often met with dismissive responses like that’s normal, a lot of men are like that. I’ve personally experienced this in many different interactions, and it only made me question myself more.
Much of this is inherited from family trauma. Personally, I did not have much moments of seeing my dad being vulnerable or showing me how he really felt. His emotions were often hidden, unspoken. So I had to learn all of this on my own as an adult. It took me a long time to recognize how this pattern was passed down from generation to generation.
The Coping Mechanisms That Keep Us Stuck
Instead of feeling and expressing emotions, men often unconsciously develop coping strategies like:
- Overworking: Staying busy to avoid inner discomfort.
- Emotional withdrawal: Shutting down in relationships rather than sharing struggles.
- Addictions: Numbing pain with alcohol, drugs, sex, or constant stimulation.
- Anger and irritability: Externalizing emotional pain as frustration or aggression.
- Perfectionism: Trying to control everything as a way to suppress deeper fears.
These patterns can seem like strength from the outside—high achievers, tough men who “push through”—but inside, many of us are exhausted, anxious, and disconnected from ourselves.
How I Started to Heal
The biggest turning point for me was realizing that I needed to commit to feeling—not just intellectually understanding emotions but actually allowing them to be felt in my body.
Many of my teachers who are actually men said similar reminders very often in their teachings:
“Feel to heal” – Giten Tonkov.
“Where there is tention give it your attention” – Gabor Mate.
“Start moving your attention to your inner-body, this is the gateway to presence” – Eckhart Tolle
This is where somatic awareness, mindfulness, and breathwork became essential. Rather than overthinking my way out of discomfort, I started focusing on sensations in my body. Where do I feel tightness, constriction, or numbness? What happens if I breathe into those places instead of distracting myself? Slowly, I began reconnecting with emotions I had suppressed for years.
I also had to commit to honesty and vulnerability. Speaking about my struggles with trusted people felt terrifying at first, but it created space for deeper healing. I learned that avoiding emotions only prolongs suffering, and that true strength comes from facing what we fear most—our own pain.
A Call to Action for Men
If any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to take one small step today:
- Start checking in with your body more often. Not just once a day, but as much as possible.
- Ask yourself: What am I avoiding? Instead of pushing through, allow yourself to sit with discomfort.
- Explore practices that shift your attention from your mind to your body. Yoga Nidra, mindfulness, breathwork—anything that helps you start feeling more and
- Speak to someone you trust. Being vulnerable is not weakness—it’s courage.
Healing starts when we stop running and start feeling. And you don’t have to do it alone.
If you’re interested in exploring this further, feel like talking or need some help? Reach out if you’d like support on this journey.